Looking At The Past, Feeling God’s Presence

Just a couple of weeks ago I was face to face with my past. (There were in one place 3 past abusers, but I want to speak of this one in particular because he was the one I had not seen) This man had taken my heart in that I loved him like a dad and I trusted him very much, he was my friend and confidant. But one day he decided for reasons only he knows to take advantage of me (abuse) me. His thoughts and intent were not pure by any means. At his first wrong gesture, it felt like my heart ripped into.

Our relationship suddenly went from what I thought was great to something very different, want and demands I did not know how to handle. It did not take long to realize that the only way to stop what was happening, protect myself and others that I loved was to never put myself alone with him, to go away and avoid any communication or contact if I could help it. My life at this point had been one person after another. I had decided that I was damaged goods and meant for this kind of life. I hated myself and had no confidence to even say no and stand up for myself.

Jesus and my husband know the details, but no one else really knows much about it. As a child and teenager, I was abused and used by several different men. I know what you are thinking how could this have happened, why didn’t you tell someone and a slew of other thoughts. Back in my day, it was not talked about, no one had ever heard, or at least that I knew of, that this type of thing happened more than we know. Also, there were no safe houses etc. It was just a different time. And since I was already a victim, and had been trained to keep silent I did just that every time with whoever it was at the time. And there really is something about a victim mentality, you are vulnerable and predators will find you! I had no self-confidence and hated myself, so why did I care, that was my life. Side note: Please don’t feel sorry for me, it’s all okay, God has redeemed it all! Anyway back to my original thought, coming face to face with my past.

As I walked into a room I started past two men talking and all of the sudden I hear my name spoken which turns my head in the direction of a very familiar voice, there he is, looking not too different than I remember him. Because I am in a hurry I say hello and move on. I know you are wondering, what was going through my head and how were my emotions. Well, I will tell you.

My first thought was, oh I did not expect to see him here. My second thought was, he looks basically the same and my mind flashed to different moments that had happened all those years ago, then nothing. I felt nothing, not anger, not hurt, not resentment, nothing but God’s peace, love and presence. This boogieman from my youth did not elicit any type of anything from me. Why? Because when God heals you, he does not do a halfway job, it is complete and his peace reigns!!

After a while, I actually went in search of this person. I wanted to talk to him and see where life had taken him. I wanted him to see what God had done in my life and actually desired (without his asking) to tell him that I forgave him a long time ago, and I hoped he had forgiven himself. He is not a believer, never claimed to be one. He is simply a man, who did a wrong and I happened to be at the right place at the wrong time. But more than that it is another step in the path of my life that God had written down. Just because it makes no sense to anyone and it was not a good thing does not discount that God allowed it and it matters not the why of it. He is God, He does as He pleases, and all of it, the good, the bad, the ugly was and is for my good. I know that God takes us down many paths in our walk toward knowing him, and probably because of the hurts I had endured, I was able to run to him when he called my name. And since coming to the Lord and allowing His healing I have never regretted letting go of any of it! God has been faithful!

I have allowed God to heal the broken places of my heart to the point that it is as though they never happened. God has ministered to me in so many ways and his word is healing, his love is complete. It fills up all those places left open by jagged hurts and now there is only His peace and love there. I am not a victim, I am not dirty, I am not worthless…I am the child of the “King of King’s and “Lord of Lord’s. I am forgiven and bound for Heaven, and have His precious Holy Spirit living in me. It does not get any better than that my friends.

See God knew the plans he had for me and he works them out in his way and his time frame. His plan is never to harm me (although it may seem that way at the time.) Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, “declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Well, I do not feel harmed, I do have hope and I know my future, I am good!

Maybe you find yourself looking at a painful past, or it could be something recent if so know that God can heal you and when he does it is a complete healing. Allow his sweet Holy Spirit to minister to you, give him full access to your pain, (he knows it anyway : ), but desires that we ask him into the middle of it.

Here are a few scriptures that through all the dangers toils and snares he has brought me through have helped guide and heal my heart. I hope as you read them if you need God’s healing and peace you feel him near giving you those very things in abundance. Because when we seek him and desire to heal it comes in abundance! Seek him with all your heart!

Exodus 15:26 “For I am the Lord who heals you.”

Psalm 147:2 “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.

Jeremiah 17:14″O Lord, if you heal me, I will be truly healed; if you save me, I will be truly saved. My praises are for you alone!”

1 Peter 5:7 “Cast all your anxiety on him for he cares for you.”

Philippians 4:7 “And he peaces of God, which transcends l understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Psalm 29:11 “The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.”

Isaiah 26:12 “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust in you.”

Psalm 18:6 “In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From His temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears. ”

Psalm 34:4 ” I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.”

Colossians 3:13 “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Matthew 6:14-15 “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

Ephesians 4:31-32 “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”

Colossians 1:13-14 “For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the son he loves, 14 in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sin.”