The other night out of nowhere I found myself reliving a time when my dad was abusing me. In my mind, I saw all of it happening. There were no tears attached to it, instead, as I watched the scene play out in my mind I found myself wondering what my dad was thinking as he undressed me, washed me and abused me. (no more details needed) Was there any hesitation, or was he totally devoid of feelings only acting on the lust in his heart? I do not know and honestly, I do not think he would either if he were here to ask.
I wanted to get into his head and find out where the disconnect was, the place that was supposed to love and protect me from any harm and danger.
I did not feel sorry for myself, I cannot really, because I already know the outcome for each of us. I know I am saved, the daughter of the King of Kings and completely fine and at peace with my life with all of its ups and downs hurts, sorrows and losses. Instead, I wanted in his head, I wanted to see in his mind what motivated him. Funny, today our pastor pretty much answered it for me. Yes, sin was at work in him, ruling his desires, but also selfishness was at work because sin makes us selfish. We are like toddlers, we want what we want when and how we want it, no matter what it costs. He had some internal demon/need that drove him to do the unthinkable. I feel in my heart that to him he did not see his actions as damaging, but somehow in his own twisted way showing me selfish love.
I felt sorry for him as I watched him take away my innocence. I felt compelled to tell him that Jesus died for him, that whatever was making him behave this way could be somehow redeemed by the blood of Jesus, I also wanted to tell him that one day God would call his name and he would surrender his life to Christ and be made new. However, after the newness came he would wrestle inside his heart and mind with the whys of his behavior and ultimately be unable to completely forgive himself.
Now, I would like to tell him, it was selfishness that motivated your behavior. Your sin nature wanted what it wanted the way it wanted when it wanted it with no thought to the person who was receiving it. Sinful selfishness, aren’t we all guilty in some way or another. Yes, of course, we are! We all have a sin nature that wants the desires of the flesh satisfied; whether it is buying something, eating something, hurting someone to get what we want, sin does not count the cost, and the cost is high. Sin will take you further than you ever thought you would go, keep you longer than you thought you would stay, and cost you more than you wanted to pay, can I get an amen!
I will never know if my dad ever had moments where he wrestled with the should I/shouldn’t I do this evil thing. I will never know if he cried over what he was doing. I would like to think he did, but it could be that he was totally devoid of emotion during that time in our lives. There was more he was doing than abusing me, he liked to beat my brothers and I with whatever was handy, he had affair, he got a friend of my mother’s pregnant and ultimately ended the babies life by abortion. Ours was an emotional rollercoaster of one bad event to the next growing up. I like to tell people I had a colorful upbringing, my own little chunk of hell here on earth, LOL.
I know that three years before my dad died he was truly born-again, made new by the washing of the blood. I know that after the new man was born, he struggled with the old man and could not understand what had made him do and be the way he was. I feel my dad died with a broken heart, unable to mend all the broken fences in his life. It hurts me for him, it really does. How hard it is to carry the weight of our failures. When we do not surrender them to Christ and allow him to be our burden bearer, we cannot lose our salvation, but we can be heavy laden Christian’s unable to fully find the joy and peace Christ offers. I think when my dad finally left this earth to begin his eternity with Christ it was a blessed release from the guilt he carried, the scars of his own making that he wore on his heart.
We are all sinners. The only thing that separates us is that some of us have been called by the one who can redeem us, cleanse us and give us a new heart and mind and some have not heard that call just yet and may never. Some will continue to reject Christ all the way to hell.
Maybe you find yourself struggling with a sin that you just cannot shake, or you find yourself the victim of someone else’s sin, just remember this, God can save, God can heal, God can turn a wrong into a right. God is the answer to any and all questions and the healer of all things sinful. Yes, you are made new, but the old man inside that has that sin nature will ever so often show his/her face, remember you are not the only one who wrestles and victory is found in Jesus Christ. Time in his word and praying. His sweet Holy Spirit gives us all the power we need to say NO to sin. Read all of Romans 7, but here is a snippet to help you on your way.
Romans 7:21-25 “I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. 22 For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. 23 But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. 24 O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 I thank God-through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with the mind, I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.”
We all struggle in some way with sin. Sin is sin to Christ, we want to grade it to make ourselves feel better, but God does not see it that way. Anything that goes against his holiness, his word, is sin. God makes a way for us to be free from the bondage of sin, we do not have to obey the lusts of the flesh. Fill your mind with the word of God, surrender daily to his leading and prompting. Pray always about all things, the sweet Holy Spirit is inside of us empowering us to live victoriously in this life. Yes, we may occasionally stumble and fall, but sin will not be a way of life for the believer.
Colossians 3:5 “Therefore put to death your members which are on the earth; fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desires, and covetousness, which is idolatry.”
2 Corinthians 2:14 “Now thanks be to God who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and through us diffuses the fragrance of His knowledge in every place.”
Jesus is praying for us, the Spirit is at work in us, we are victorious!
Romans 8:31,35, 37-39 “What then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us”
35 “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?”
37 “No, in all these things, ‘we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present or the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
We all fall, but because he lives, we will live also…if you are his, you will remain his. He will convict you of your sin, but he will not pile on the condemnation. We are good at that on our own. We will never completely win the war on our sin nature, but with his help, we can go from one victory to another and our failure will begin to be less and less as we mature and rest in him. He sees our hearts, knows how wicked they are and still died for us, Oh, what manner of love is this?