I grew up in a house that was full of abuse and mistrust. Because of the actions of my dad, our world was constantly turned upside down. There’s one particular occasion among many that stand out in my head, this moment in time shaped my thoughts toward my heavenly father for many years.
We lived out in a very rural area, back in the 60’s and 70’s there wasn’t a whole lot to do out there that didn’t have to do with farming, hot summer days, and children playing outside until after dark. My siblings and I would take the ladder and climb up onto the roof of our one-story house and we would run all over the roof and play all the while watching the road for signs of
our dad’s return from work. We knew being up there was against the rules, and if he caught us we were going to be in trouble, but I think it was a way to rebel that was also fun and exciting for us.
On this particular day, I was distracted playing and my brothers saw our dad coming so they raced to the ladder grabbed it and took it to the shed. That left me alone on the roof exposed for him to find. I was in major trouble. The way our drive-way was positioned my dad had to drive in front of the house and turn to the right to go up into his parking space. As he drove past the house I was watching him, watching me. I knew I was in trouble. My dad came around the front of the house to where I was standing on the roof, and he said to me, “I’m tired, you know you’re not supposed to be up there, jump and I’ll catch you!” I looked at him and questioned his sincerity, I asked him three times, “do you
promise you’ll catch me,” to which he answered yes! All the while getting more irritated by my questions and hesitation. Finally, I decided that it must be true if I jumped he would indeed catch me.
Well, you guessed it I jumped and my dad moved, I hit that ground so hard my knees buckled and flew up and hit my chin I fell backward and hit my head, it hurt a lot and I was shaken, as I looked up at him he looked at me and said, ” this will teach you two things don’t get on my roof and don’t trust anyone! ”
This earthly father consistently hurt me and let me down. So, I learned to expect only the worst from my heavenly father. I figured if I did the wrong thing he would hurt me too. It made me afraid and ashamed to run into his arms when I did fail. I knew I wasn’t sure if I could trust him with my soul, and most certainly not my physical self, I dealt with these feelings toward myself, but when I had children they moved toward them, and I believed the same things concerning my children. I trusted God to save them, but I did not trust him for their well-being. I put all that on me, I felt I needed to be there at every moment keeping them safe from people and the world. I was smothering them because of my fears. I needed many years, many tears, and constant time in his word to learn these simple truths.
And I’ll paraphrase:” For God so loved me, that he gave his only son, that I might have eternal life.
Psalm 86:15 But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23 – “It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness.” His word heals broken hearts and minds.
I am so very thankful for God’s patience with me, for his tender love and mercy toward me. He understood my fears and not only did he tenderly and gently love me into complete trust in him with myself and my children, he never allowed anything horrible to happen to my children while I felt responsible for their well being. I do not know if I could have recovered if something had happened. And these words became life to me.
Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
John14:27 “Peace is what I leave with you; my own peace that I give you. I do not give as the world does. Do not be worried and upset; do not be afraid.”
Timothy 1:7 “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
I discovered that the enemy of my soul was blinding me to the truths of God and keeping me operating in a spirit of fear and mistrust toward my Lord. I will never understand this side of Heaven, [and I no longer try to or think about it] why my life has had the things in it that it has had, and I will not care in Heaven. I trust that God had a plan for my life and it has had just enough of hurts, tears, fears, failures, successes etc… that I have needed to move me toward the Savior. My life with all of its moments has been an incredible gift from the Lord. I am not bitter, I am better! It was all for my good and His glory and He calls it perfect and right and I agree, simply because I trust my Heavenly Father!
There is nothing that cannot be redeemed by our Lord and Savior! Nothing! So, if you find you are carrying burdens from the past or even one from today, go to the Lord, surrender your hurts and I promise He is faithful and He will meet you at your need and He can erase all the pain and hurt associated with it. He longs to give you peace.
Oh, what a joy it is to know that nothing, absolutely nothing in my life is ever wasted.